Humphrey the great
by sea-wolfe
Summary: a sort story of a character influenced by the new movie voyage of the dawn treader. silly and funny. just for a laugh. based of Eustace scrubb.


The ugly brick that was staring me in the face was suddenly the most interesting thing in the room.

Humph..

The old coot at the pedestal in the front of the room droned on, making my eye twitch.

"in this noble country, where honor and valor, and courage, not coin or heritage determines a man's worth…"

My eye twitched harder, really giving itself a work out. I prayed that this guy would keel over from a heart attack, gallstones, the guilt of inflicting this lengthy and thoroughly stupid monologue onto me, anything.

All to no avail. The ancient bat carried on, and I was about to take my fork and shove into my kidney. The pain couldn't be that much worse. Looking at the sterling silver. I noticed a speck on the shining utensil.

Hmm.

I grabbed my napkin, and rubbed at it lazily, expecting whatever it was to come off easily. I took my hand away. Still there.

Hmmm.

Rubbing harder, I really put some elbow grease into it. I actually hate that phrase. Who would want to put the grease off of anyone's elbow onto to anything? Not me. I wasn't even aware that I HAD elbow grease.

Note to self: get elbow grease removing crème.

p.s. make guard take some also. If there even is such a thing, he has it. No doubt.

The intrusive little speck was seriously starting to irritate me. Why wouldn't it just get off my fork? As if it had any right to be there.

More scrubbing.

Same amount of spot.

Harder wiping.

I think it just got bigger.

I spit into the napkin to see if that would help.

Not really. And now the fork is pissed off.

Huffing, I sat back. This spot was coming off, one way or another. It would see that I was the superior race.

Calling over a maid, I asked her if she could assist me in getting my silverware cleaned.

She looked confused, and murmured a 'pardon me?'

Arching an eyebrow, I asked again in my slow voice. Obviously she wasn't at the same height of intelligence as me.

Still looking confused , she reached for my fork. I slapped her hand away, curling my fingers around it.

My fork.

She started to look scared, and sweat beaded on her forehead.

"im sorry sir."

I sniffed.

"that's quite alright. This is just my fork you see, I earned it, and you should not try and steal it right in front of me. What, do you think I'm stupid or something?"

"I-I-I was-s j-just trying t-to-"

"yes, yes, you were marveling at the beauty of my fork. And seeing something that was out of your reach, you tried to take it from me. that's quite alright, my fork is rather the alpha of the forks in this hall is it not? but do it again, and I will be forced to take repercussions. I'm quite gruesome. It would be wise to fear me, actually."

"w-what!"

"I see your knowledge slowly dawning over you. You've heard of me, haven't you?"

"I-I'm not-t s-sure I know w-what you m-mean!"

"your trying to spare me the trials of my adoring fans. But fear not, im most modest. Come, tell me. What Is your favorite of my conquests?"

"_conquests?"_

She stuttered, the poor thing becoming overwhelmed by my mere presence. It was quite understandable. Yes, I was quite awe- inspiring, wasn't I? truly a marvel of this pathetic human race.

"that quite alright. Act coy. As if you don't know everything about me from my adoring crowds and information centers. I think it is quite silly, but if this amuses you, carry on."

"amu-"

"that will be all."

I dismissed her, growing tired of her games. She huffed, and walked away, it was obvious to me that nobody could do anything around here. Good lord. What a bunch of mongrels. They are quite ugly , also.

Why that fat woman takes up four benches! How in bloody hell does she get from one chair to another without causing an earthquake to become angry, accusing her of doing it's job?

Yes, she was quite the tub of lard, wasn't she. Hmm.

I was disgusted to call her my aunt Gertrude. Heavens, I'm surrounded by weaklings.

I started to panic, looking around me. Everywhere I looked, there where fat or stupid looking people!

Why the court jester even has his pointer digit thrust up his left nostril!

Good lord!

I'm in a sea of animals, with brains the sizes of walnuts! And NOT a large, nice sized walnut, but those awful, shriveled , black walnut that reminds you of squirrel feces. Yes! All their heads were filled with SQUIRREL FECES.

The panic set in deeper, and the collar around my neck was suddenly too tight. Choking me.

SO THEY'VE DON'T SOMETHING WITH MY COLLAR ALSO! -

My thoughts were cut off as some magician made the collar tighten up, cutting off my thought process.

I clawed at my throat, trying to breath.

But it was no use.

The collar shrink more and more, and I fell out of my chair, to the ground. The snake who was doing this was going to pay.

….**THE MAID..**

I immediately knew of her foul play. The little wench had poisioned me with her witch powers. I awaited my death, fingers clapping my throat, trying to get the restraining contraption off. It stayed tight, hard as steel, unmoving against me fingers.

Gasping, I tried to breath. Black spots were dancing across my vision as my eyes shut down, the firt of my body parts to realize my horrible demise. Tears threatened, but I stayed calm, I had to stay strong, for mother, for father. FOR MY KINGDOM.

They would depend on my great sacrifice to lead them through dark time. My glorious death would be celebrated everywhere, children will sing of me, their parents telling them wondrous tales of my many adventures. Yes! I would be a household hero!

My heart slowed, as the oxygen quite coming into my lungs. I shut my eyes, accepting my regal fate.

"get up off the floor Humphrey."

My mothers sweet voice saluted me, wishing me a safe passage to the next life. Yes, she had served me well. I would pt on a good word for her with the creator.

Wait. What did she say.

"Humphrey, quit strangling yourself and get up off the floor. You'll get your nice clothes dirty."

Bloody hell. I was dying and my mother was worried about the state of my apparel.

Pulling all my strength together, I grabbed onto my wooden throne, using purely upper body muscle to heft my self into my chair.

She would see me, suffer, the cruelty of my passing string her in the face. Literally. She would hopefully come to her senses and see the direness of the predicament. Facing forward, I slowly died, letting my head loll, my tongue hanging for good measure.

Surely the sight of her only son dead would stimulate some king of sympathetic reaction to my noble cause.

I lied there, dead. Having passed on from this life. I was no more.

Peaking beneath my lashes, I saw that my mother hadn't moved an inch. Staring straight forward.

I decided to try again.

Again, I was choked to death violently. Dying a second time, my young life taken from me in a horrible but necessary manner. It was for my country, my people.

I sprawled there. Peaked another look.

Nothing.

I sat up and stared forward, coming back to life.

The old fart was still yapping about our nobleness.

I started to scrub my fork again.

This spot was coming off.

this was a weird little story that popped into my head. just something funny and completely random. no plot here. just an awkward, and self centered young-un named humphrey. he is a small and inept prince who overthinks everything. no body in the kingdom knows quite what to do with him. humphey's outlook on life is completely his, and dont reflect ANYTHING CLOSE to my opinion. personally, i think humans are pretty cool, but hey, that just me. canines are nice too. this story was greatly influenced by the chronicle of narnia; the voyage of the dawn treader. lucy and edmond's cousin...eh...i forgot his name...but he was hilarious. just imagine humphrey as someone like him.


End file.
